I literally can’t even handle the fact that my baby turns one today.
So many emotions surrounding the first birthday, of your last baby.
There was a good deal of trauma surrounding her entrance into the world. I was diagnosed with cholestasis of pregnancy (with all 3) early on, but something went terribly array with this pregnancy in particular, and the doctors told me that they had never seen numbers as high as mine were, giving them reason to induce me immediately. At 5 weeks early, on a random Sunday, when my body (and our family) was not even close to prepared.
After laboring painfully all night long, she finally arrived late into the evening of the second day, literally seconds before they were ready to wheel me off for an emergency C-section due to her heart rate dropping (along with mine). It was scary, and I shook uncontrollably for a good couple of hours after.
Since she was so early, it was hospital protocol to have her observed in the NICU for 48 hours. It was a solid 4.5 hours before I got to be wheeled up there to see her.
She looked so tiny and perfect.
We spent the next 48 hours learning how to care for a preemie who couldn’t eat on her own. We were discharged, and unfortunately were back in the ER within 24 hours of being home, as tiny little Miss Brynley was not ready for life in the real world and began shutting down (physically). We were admitted for 2 more weeks in the NICU as she received assistance regulating her body temperature (in the isolette), sunbathing under the bili-lights and getting her meals through the NG tube.
I cried A LOT.
This was the hardest two weeks we had ever faced. I stayed with her at the hospital round the clock, every night. We had so many friends visit me (because life at the hospital is LOONNNEEELLLY), and an entire village literally took care of us. It was so humbling and beautiful all at the same time.
I bonded with the NICU nurses, I got to see my best friend have her little girl (just one floor below me) and I got to bond and fight for my little girl, which God obviously knew I needed. From the get-go, I was going to be FOR this girl.
And that sounds like a “duh” moment. But for me, it wasn’t necessarily a given.
I was super scared to be a girl mom. Completely unsure that I could succeed at the task that I had been given.
But, as always, God knew what I needed. And 2 weeks in the NICU of just me and my girl (oh how I desperately missed my boys!) was exactly what it took to bond my heart to hers.
And literally, I’ve been in love ever since.
Months 1-3: Good. Night. I drowned, I’m pretty sure of it.
Month 4-6: Sleep training, baby blues, Blake working a lot, and reality of 3 kids. Still drowning.
Months 7-9: Hitting her milestones, loving nursing (my first time!), and just really cherishing my time with her. Starting to breathe.
Months 10-12: I’m not drowning anymore, but I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Constantly juggling, and rarely coming up for air to breathe. But seeing glimpses for sure.
She is SUCH a joy. She brings life, and tenderness, and a lot of girly-ness that I couldn’t imagine going without now.
I’m excited to see how this third born grows and changes the dynamic of our family. She is adored beyond words.
One year Brynley girl. Hardest year of our life. But, we made it.
And we have you.
Love you baby girl.
We’ll resume our regularly scheduled not-so-mushy posts tomorrow. 🙂