I’m straying from my normal remodel posts, and house progress, to share a little from my heart today.
I had a breakthrough moment last night, as I was winding down my evening – kids all in bed, husband asleep, and the house was quiet. These are oftentimes my thinking moments. Quiet house = bliss.
This summer, we’ve been seeing our oldest, Brecken, run into this wall of “I can’t” each time he attempted, or was encouraged, to try something new.
Ride a bike…I can’t. Surf behind the boat…I can’t. Play a new sport…I can’t.
He is an extremely capable kid, and we KNEW he could do ALL these things – probably with ease after a couple of tries. But for whatever reason, he just had it in his head that he couldn’t. This has puzzled and stumped Blake and I. Where along the road has this kid learned to believe HE CAN’T without even trying!?
Then in the stillness of the quiet house last night, I had a moment of realization: this SAME fear paralyzes ME from trying anything new.
First it came in connecting my design choices for the new house: should I paint it white? No one really does white yet. White isn’t really popular. Maybe I should just do grey because I know grey works and I like it good enough. Then my brain started running, as I felt a still small voice show me that this fear is stopping me from even greater things.
Should I start that fashion consultant business? Who would hire me? What qualifications do I have? What about diving into the world of home design? I’m no professional, there’s no way I could offer anything to anyone.
It was this realization that my FEAR of the unknown, and fear of FAILING, was ultimately holding me back from doing ANYTHING new.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree huh?
I feel like I was then gently reminded that the same way that I look at Brecken in disbelief, as his parent who knows and sees all that he is capable of daily, is the same way that the Lord looks at me. He sees how He has created me. He sees and knows all the ways that He has gifted me. And probably just wonders why oh why, am I unable to lean into these passions and giftings?
And I know that fear is not from the Lord. As long as I allow fear to dictate my path, I might as well just put the chains on myself and throw away the key, because I just won’t experience any growth or journey down any path that God knows I can walk down, as long as I allow fear to paralyze my willingness to just try. JUST TRY.
We say it over and over to Brecken. JUST TRY, Bud. You’ll see, you can do it. JUST TRY that chicken, I’m sure you’ll like it. In parenting we say it over and over, trying to teach these kids that they’ll uncover a whole new world that they never knew existed if they just try.
I’m literally crying as I type this.
It’s so stupid. This fear. Maybe it’s the first born perfectionist in me.
Such a flaw to believe that every time I try something new, I have to PERFECT it on the first try.
There should be no fear in failure.
God never asked me to be perfect.
It is a lie to believe that I need to be perfect, or get it “right” if I try something new.
The same goes for you.
What is “IT” that fear is holding you back from trying? Is it something as small as a “risky” design choice like painting the exterior of your house white (first world problems I know)? Or maybe it’s something bigger like throwing your name in the hat for a new job opportunity that you don’t think you’re qualified for. Or maybe you feel like it’s time to have that scary conversation with your spouse that you’ve been avoiding for months, despite the urging in your heart. What about the urges you’ve had to journal or write your thoughts down to share with others?
I don’t know what chains are holding you back. Oftentimes they are subtle and small, which is our enemies most favorite way to hold you back. I just know for me, my eyes were opened to it last night. I saw that the fear has crippled me. It has forced me to waiver from my gut instincts, for fear that I might fail.
But I need to trust myself. Trust how God has wired me. And designed me. And gifted me.
Maybe, just maybe, what I’ve been looking for is just on the other side of that jump. I’ll never know though until I do it. And just jump. He’ll be there to catch me, even if I fall. But who knows, maybe, just maybe, I’ll fly.